To keep it as simple as possible, my hearts desire for more children just isn't there. I watch all of my friends having children number two and some three, with nothing but peace and joy for there decision. Maybe I'm selfish, I would ask myself, maybe to vain, or just not capable of loving more than one. Both my husband and I were ready and ecstatic when we were expecting, and how blessed were we that the timing was right and we both agreed. And even now, we both lie on the same fence, equally feeling at this time, our desires remain the same.
I let go a long time ago, and decided that the desire was there once, if need be, it will be there again. So i put my focus in another direction, as this has always been my dream. To bless and encourage other wives, and someday help restore brokenness in ones marriage. I have a lot to offer, and some days i feel i may explode with information and insight into my own journey. But again, never assume the path leading up to your dreams will be every thing you visualize.
So once again I'm taken in a different direction, and forced to leave behind for now my own thoughts and ways and trust that his thoughts and ways are much better.
Over the past year we were reunited with our 11 year old nephew, whom has been a ward of the state since he was 5. Due to situations, he hasn't had the family support that every child needs, and unfortunately can't always have. But as i sat in my room one day, a few weeks before our first visit with him, i prayed that some how, some way, we would rekindle that relationship with him. I couldn't imagine how that would play out or how we would even begin, but on January 9th as the greatest grandma i ever new passed away, she left with us her passion to see that her great grandson was taken care of. So while a life ended that day, new beginnings began for this boy who needed hope.
I could write a book on the past year, and all the events leading up to this day. The twists and turns he has been through, and the time and sacrifice our family has made. But a sacrifice worth every bit, for a chance to share our lives with him, but also his life with us. You see, Colby isn't the only one being invested in. He has shown us the real world in ways we purposely shielded ourselves from. He's shown us true loss, because without a mother and father to guide you completely, your left to fend for yourself, and fight your way through a world already limited with support. What I see, so clearly now, is my daughter is far from missing out on a sibling, and my desires to not have another child at this time; well, I understand this now also.
Although Colby does not live with us full time, he is a part of this family, and I know in my heart that what were doing for him, is as equally as important as what he's doing for us.
My own hopes and dreams still remain, but as i journey to get there, I'm fully confident that God will give me joy and peace, and these extra blessings in between.